What If Falling Out of Love Isn’t What You Think It Is?

I keep seeing the same conversation happening in relationship groups. Someone says, “I love my spouse, but I’m not in love with them anymore,” and immediately people start questioning whether the relationship has run its course. I understand why. When you compare how you feel today to how you felt at the beginning, the difference can be startling. There was excitement, attraction, anticipation and mystery. You couldn't stop thinking about each other. Then ten or twenty years go by and things feel very different.

But different doesn’t necessarily mean worse. And it certainly doesn’t always mean the love is gone.

What if your relationship has simply evolved, but you're still measuring it against a version of love that was never designed to stay exactly the same?

TRUTH #1: Relationships Are Supposed to Change

Your relationship at six months shouldn't look exactly like your relationship after fifteen years of marriage. How could it? You've changed. Your spouse has changed. Life has happened.

Maybe you've:

• Raised children together

• Changed careers

• Bought homes or moved cities

• Lost people you love

• Experienced financial pressure

• Navigated health challenges

• Grown into completely different versions of yourselves

A relationship isn't a photograph. It's a living thing.

Yet we often use the beginning of the relationship as the gold standard and assume anything that feels different must somehow be worse. Maybe that's our first mistake.

TRUTH #2: Courtship Isn’t Real Life

Let's be honest about dating. You're trying to attract someone.You're more attentive. More curious. More playful. You put effort into how you look. You plan things. You listen closely. You flirt.

And if we're being completely honest, most of us are doing a little bit of 'self-promotional' marketing. Not necessarily lying. Maybe just... performing. You tell your funniest stories. You wear the flattering outfit. You clean your apartment before they arrive. You probably don't introduce every insecurity, annoying habit and dysfunctional family dynamic on date number two. You're essentially saying:

“Look at me. I'm interesting. I'm desirable. I'm valuable. Choose me.”

There is nothing wrong with that. Wooing someone is beautiful. But eventually...They choose you. And that's where things get interesting.

TRUTH #3: We Often Stop Doing What Created the Attraction

Marriage arrives. Then perhaps children. Careers. Mortgages. Laundry. School lunches. Aging parents. Stress. Exhaustion.

Welcome to the not-so-sexy part of love!

Without realizing it, many couples slowly stop doing the things they naturally did when they were trying to attract each other.

We stop:

• Being curious about each other

• Flirting and playing

• Planning experiences together

• Dressing up occasionally for each other

• Expressing appreciation

• Really listening

• Making the other person feel special

Then years later we look across the room and wonder:

“Where did the spark go?”

Maybe the spark didn't mysteriously disappear.

Maybe we stopped doing some of the things that helped create it.

THE HARD TRUTH: We Want the Feeling Without the Behaviour

This is where I think we need some loving honesty. Sometimes we want our spouse to remain attracted, interested, affectionate and excited about us while we're putting considerably less energy into the relationship than we did when we were dating.

Think about the contradiction:

• We want connection, but we're distracted.

• We want passion, but we've stopped playing.

• We want intimacy, but we've stopped being vulnerable.

• We want appreciation, but rarely express it ourselves.

• We want to feel chosen, while taking for granted the person who already chose us.

That doesn't make us bad partners; It makes us human.

Life gets busy. Familiarity becomes comfortable. We assume our relationship will always be there. But here's the question I think we should be asking:

Why would love become less worthy of our effort once we've finally found it?

Mature Love Isn’t the Boring Version of Romantic Love

I think we've been sold another terrible idea; that early love is exciting, passionate and romantic, and mature love is basically companionship with a joint Costco membership.

I don't buy that.

In the beginning, someone chooses you without fully knowing you. Years later, they know you. They've seen you exhausted, scared, angry, sick, insecure and probably completely unreasonable. They've seen parts of you that would never have made your first-date highlight reel.

And they're still there.

Early love says: “I love what I'm discovering about you.”

Mature love can say: “I know you deeply, and I still choose to keep discovering you.”

That's not less romantic. I think that's extraordinary.

WHAT REAL LOVE REQUIRES: Keep Wooing Each Other

I've been married for over twenty years, and I don't want the relationship my husband and I had when we first met.

I loved that chapter. But we've lived a lot of life since then. We've changed, grown, struggled, laughed, forgiven and learned how to love each other differently.

I don't want to go backwards. I want our love to keep evolving.

And that still requires participation. Sometimes that means:

• Put the phone down and actually listen.

• Ask a question you don't already know the answer to.

• Touch each other when you walk past.

• Plan something simply because it would make them smile.

• Flirt again.

• Notice what they're carrying.

• Say the compliment instead of just thinking it.

• Keep giving each other reasons to feel chosen.

Not because your marriage is in trouble.

Because your marriage matters.

BEFORE YOU DECIDE YOU’VE FALLEN OUT OF LOVE...

If you're thinking, “I love my spouse, but I'm not sure I'm in love anymore,” don't ignore that feeling.

But don't automatically turn it into a conclusion either. Maybe the question isn't:

“Why don't I feel the way I did when we first met?”

Of course you don't. You're not the same people living the same lives under the same circumstances.

Ask instead:

What kind of love are we creating now?

Because relationships aren't supposed to remain frozen in their honeymoon stage. They're supposed to evolve and grow. It's like expecting a puppy to stay small and cute forever, and then when it grows up, decide it isn't as cute and abandon it.

The opportunity isn't to spend the rest of your life desperately trying to recreate year one. It's to discover what love can become in year five, year fifteen, year thirty and beyond.

Falling in love is beautiful. But continuing to choose, woo, discover and love someone who knows the real you may be one of the most extraordinary experiences of unconditional love we ever get to have.