Some of my most frequent coaching advice to clients

Meeting with so many different couples every week, they all seem to have a lot in common. The symptoms may vary but the underlying issues remain to be the same so I thought to share some of them.

1. Taking things personally: People get so upset when their partner doesn’t say, act or do what they want and making it mean that they are unloved … when most of the time, it has nothing to do with you. Your partner is their own person and just because they don’t meet your expectations, it doesn’t make them a bad partner.

They have their own struggles, human flaws, traumas, weaknesses, quirkiness, beliefs/values, etc.

What if you just accepted the way they are instead of trying to change them or punish them for not being perfect, and continually torturing them by reminding them of how much they disappoint you?

Communication and domination: I find a lot of couples play manipulation games (without even realizing it) and withhold communication as a way to dominate or punish the other.

Be straight in your communication. Notice if you are being passive-aggressive. Be responsible and respectful. So many people demand respect yet they aren’t able to do it themselves. Being straight doesn’t mean being mean or condescending. Yes, it’s the 20th time you are asking for your partner to do something but keep a respectful and patient tone. You can win more bees with honey. And when your partner does what you ask, acknowledge the crap out of them. Many people question this idea. They say to me, “Why should I? I don’t get thanked. It’s his/her job.” Consider this: How do YOU feel when someone sings your praise, tells you how awesome you are, and how helpful you’re being? Feels good right? So why wouldn’t you want that for your partner? I also find that when you offer praise for something they did, they are more likely to want to do other things to gain your verbal affection. Think about it.

If you want respect, then be willing to give it first. Your ego will tell you “no way!” But guess what? You get back what you put out. So many couples I work demand respect from their partner yet cannot do it themselves, and even say such belittling, condescending, hurtful and judgmental statements, and they justify it with “But it’s true!” And then they wonder why their partner is totally emotionally shut down. (Duh! ) Consider that is the problem. I understand that it’s hard to give respect when you clearly aren’t getting it from them, but

Don’t play the victim card. You are not a victim!! The longer you pretend that you have no say, control, or that you are not responsible for any of it, you will never grow or be happy, and you will never get to experience who your partner truly is at the core: LOVE.

Some people might feel offended by what I’m saying but that’s okay. I’m clear I’m saying things you might not want to hear but need to hear, because what I’m committed to is that everyone find love, freedom, and joy in life.

You are either living in LOVE or FEAR.

• What if you could just surrender to love and see your partner as your equal; someone who is doing their best in life just like you?

• What would actually be possible if you gave up being right about your partner, and who they are, and realized that YOU can be the solution to your happiness??

If a ridiculously happy relationship and life is what you crave, then consider what opinions you need to give up.

Remember: Love is a verb. It takes work but it is sooooo worth it.