Falling in and out of love: What it really means
What Does It Really Mean to Fall in Love?
From a psychological standpoint, falling in love is a cocktail of biology, fantasy, and projection. It’s a dopamine-driven, serotonin-starving rollercoaster where the brain lights up like it’s on cocaine—literally. MRI scans show that romantic love activates the brain’s reward system in ways similar to addictive substances.
But it’s not just chemicals.
It’s also psychological:
We fall in love with the idea of someone, what they represent, how they make us feel about ourselves, and the unmet needs they seem to magically fill. We project our hopes, our inner child’s longings, and our stories of what “happily ever after” is supposed to look like.
Falling in love is often falling into a beautiful illusion.
It’s intoxicating, but it’s also built on a fragile foundation: fantasy, hormones, and unconscious expectations.
What Does It Mean to Fall Out of Love?
Here’s the harsh truth:
Most people don’t fall out of love.
They fall out of infatuation.
The high fades.
Reality sets in.
The brain calms down.
The masks fall off.
We start to notice flaws, feel unmet, unseen, and unappreciated.
And instead of digging deeper, most people assume:
“This must mean we’re not meant to be.”
“I’m not in love anymore.”
“I married the wrong person.”
But what’s actually happening?
The fantasy collapses.
The brain returns to baseline.
The relationship enters Phase 2—the work of real love.
Big Misconceptions That Kill Love
Love should feel easy
Love isn’t supposed to be easy. It takes work, patience, and a lot of being vulnerable.
If I’m not feeling it, it must not be real
Emotions fluctuate. Commitment doesn't.
My partner should make me happy
That’s a job description for you, not them. Even if they did and said everything right, chances are it won’t satisfy you 100%.
The spark should stay forever
Sparks fade unless you feed the fire constantly. Again, it takes effort, work and action.
Love means never having to work at it
That’s Disney’s biggest lie. True love takes grit, self-awareness, and vulnerability. It’s part magic and part effort.
Falling out of love means the relationship is over
No. It means it’s time to learn how to love differently. It can also mean that there is resentment, anger, and ego that whispers doubt and fear trying to convince you that the relationship is over because the rose-tinted glasses have come off.
How Do We Shift Our Understanding?
From Romantic Illusion ….. to Conscious Commitment.
We must redefine love not as something we feel, but something we build.
Love is not a mood.
Love is a muscle.
It weakens without use. It strengthens with attention.
When someone says, “I’m not in love anymore,” what they often mean is:
I don’t feel emotionally safe.
I feel disconnected from myself or my partner.
I have unmet emotional needs that I don’t know how to express.
I’m avoiding deeper emotional work.
I’m not attracted to the version of you I see today.
(And maybe I’m not proud of who I am either.)
So the shift is this:
Instead of using that phrase as an exit pass, we can use it as a mirror and an invitation.
How Do You Resolve It for Yourself?
1. Get radically honest.
Are you looking for a feeling… or are you willing to build something bigger than feelings?
2. Ask the real questions:
When did I start feeling disconnected?
What am I craving that I’m not getting?
What have I stopped giving or showing up for?
Who have I become in this relationship?
3. Learn how to speak your truth without blame.
Love dies in silence and resentment. It thrives in vulnerable, scary, messy, honest conversations.
4. Don’t wait for the “spark” to come back.
Be the one to reignite it through kindness, appreciation, play, sensuality, and emotional attunement.
5. Do the inner work.
A failing relationship is often a mirror for unhealed wounds, unmet expectations, and unexpressed needs.
Final Truth
Love isn’t something you fall into or fall out of.
That’s gravity. Not intimacy.
Love is a conscious, daily decision.
A practice.
A process.
A choice, especially when it’s hard.
And when you choose it, again and again, even when it doesn’t feel magical, that’s when the magic returns.
Want a breakthrough in your marriage?
Start by throwing away the checklist of who they’re not…
And ask:
Who do I choose to be, starting today?
Because that’s where the healing begins.
